You once said
that you were able to read our minds now
and I believe you for sure.

I’ve even spoken to you mind to mind
and can see and still hear you sometimes
any base tarot carny has this skill

but what’s the point of knowing if
when a close oldest sangha brother is dying
and we call you from the hospital
and you can’t be bothered to take the call
to perform his end of life phowa
so I am forced to beg Chökyi Nyima out of a sealed retreat
where he unhesitatingly accepts?

I tried to ask you a question while you were supposedly
practicing in Nepal with a staff totaling 10k a day
that I in part paid for
my winds had gone awry on retreat from thulkhor
and you wouldn’t help me
so I called upon my yogi neighbor to talk me down.

You told us that you were *The* earth protector.
You said you had omniscient compassion.
I did trust and love you
but never really accepted you as a soul refuge.

Yes there was power and blessing
and you were my first who showed me
the essence of mind so I am grateful.
I care for you
and cried
but that care is one sided.

You can only take
you’d cast out your devoted lovers and servants
without even so much as a word.
We are nothing more than sexual and financial fodder
to the faux spiritual court.

Ghosting is the cruelest
most violent method of the disordered.
Do covert narcissists seek out
these colored cloth robes
of trust and positions of power to bait the vulnerable
or are they forged and nurtured there?
I’ll never know.

Can you impart empathy to one that sees us all
as there to uphold and confirm him
and when we fail
we are disposed as they move on to another emotional prey?

I was told no
certain people are hardwired this way they can never soften.
I really tried
I wrote you many letters begging you to fix this.
Sangha sisters called me co-dependent and holding on
I called it samaya.

These teachers, are indeed blessed and can
confer empowerment
sometimes you’d make the world so lit and magical-
you showed that to me, to us.

But if you don’t care
if we don’t care about and for each other
it all meant nothing.
It all means nothing
and we are going nowhere
it’s just a hamster wheel of social cosplay.

I don’t think there are bhumis
and you all some grandiose attainment
or some past life credential.

What I’ve seen behind the scenes is not compassion
it’s adolescent locker room talk and conduct.

I for one am recovering from the disappointment
the re-trauma of familial abandonment and abuse
waking from the delusion
and what I see now soberly
I sure as hell will no
longer devote my life blood heart and identity to.

I still practice for sure
and that opens my mind, heart and channels
I call upon the wisdom and
kindness of my old simple and kind master
who was forged before you all became this way.

The social vehicle of transmission
of these powerful methods has ruptured,
and no, it’s not the women, children and discarded
student’s fault
it is yours alone.

You will never~
can never be accountable.

The whole culture holds
cult-like emotionally adolescent views
of tantrum stamp your feet entitlement.
They call it “King Baby” syndrome in AA.
I guess many of you drink.

This is not the light of the way out of anything
it’s a deep samsaric
life wasting snare trap
punctuated by threats
of hell and harm
to your shaking devotees.

I did have hope.
I did have broken longing.
I did really trust you and try.
I did want to love you,
and somewhere,
still do.

 

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